Friday, April 13, 2012

I was put under 8 weeks ago

It's been 8 weeks since my D&C.

I'm not even sure what I say about it that I haven't already said. It's the first major loss I've ever experienced, and I find it so odd how life is in the aftermath of death. Robert Frost said it best: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." Preach it, Frost. It goes on. And the weird thing is, it does.

At least, for everyone around me. I feel kinda stuck in one place, even though I'm going through the motions of continuing with life, even though I'm taking care of my toddler like normal, going to class, teaching my students, and everything in-between, even though I'm working on losing weight so I'm healthier for third-baby. Even though, I feel like I haven't moved on yet. Maybe everyone else has. People definitely don't willingly bring it up anymore, almost as though they're relieved time has passed enough that maybe it is just the past now.

I go running by myself every other day just so I have time to think about it. And I need that, that calm space to let second-baby flow into my thoughts. It's our moment together that I yearn for. It's all that I feel I have left to offer my angel-baby.

I start my second post-miscarriage period any day now. After that, we start trying to get pregnant again. I'm rather nervous about it, mostly because I don't know how long it will take. My luteal phase (the phase of your cycle post ovulation) was very short last cycle, and I need it to be longer in order to get or stay pregnant.

Maybe getting pregnant again will help me reach that life goes on threshold. Or maybe my life will go on, but my heart never will.


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