About Loss

The baby didn't look that bad. I saw a head, the body, some hands, some feet. It was beautiful. Hi, baby. I'm sorry Mommy couldn't protect you. I'm sorry we can't meet you in August like we were supposed to. The technician scanned the chest cavity and the heart rate pattern came up. Only straight lines. I'm sorry we never got to actually hear your heartbeat. It was so strong at 9 weeks. I love you, I love you, I love you.
We lost our second-baby sometime around February 15th, 2012, when we went in for a routine maternity appointment, and our doctor could find no heartbeat. The baby measured at 13 weeks, 5 days. I was 14 weeks along.

We had seen a healthy baby with a healthy heartbeat just before 9 weeks. We thought everything was fine, so it was a shock to discover that the baby had suddenly passed.

Apparently, second-baby had a brain defect that is always fatal. Usually, these babies don't make it out of the first trimester, and they never live beyond birth. It wasn't genetic, but rather a random anomaly that can happen to anyone. This leaves us hopeful about future pregnancies, but I still miss my little one with all my heart.

I wanted to link to various blog entries I've written about my miscarriage as a way to collect them together. I hope other hurting mothers can relate. There are a lot of us out there.

grief | the day after we found out we had miscarried
the day after | the story of my D&C
a pound of flesh | the physical recovery three days after the D&C
letter from daddy | my husband guest-blogs
last Friday night | how the miscarriage affects how I treat my toddler
that female thing we go through | on my first post-miscarriage period

We'll eventually try to get pregnant again, but we'll always remember the baby that almost was. Second-baby's due date was August 15th, 2012, and it will always be celebrated and mourned.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;)
- e. e. cummings

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