Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Guest Blog: letter from Daddy

The hubs wanted to write to the baby, so here it is. I so love this man of mine.

I have tried to write this a half dozen ways at this point. For three days I wrote bits here, parts there, all the while being generally at a loss for words. Nothing worked, nothing fit, nothing felt right… then I realized my problem. I don’t want to write a blog. I don’t want to write my feelings, or my thoughts about this. All I’ve ever really wanted to do was talk to my child, the little lost one.

My precious little Baby,

I miss you. I never even had a chance to know you, but I miss you terribly.

Please forgive me if I ramble. Your Dad does that sometimes.

I only saw you the once, when you were 9 weeks old. You waved your little foot at me as if to say ‘hi,’ and commenced wiggling away for a solid five minutes, the whole time we watched you. I like to think that you never suffered or knew that anything was wrong. In my mind you never knew anything but that happy wiggling.

I cannot tell you how much I want to apologize for all the things we’ll never do. I was days away from starting The Hobbit, reading to you while you dozed within Mama. I wanted to do all the things that would come with life… I wanted to sing you to sleep, dance with you, read with you, laugh with you.

I’m sorry that I barely had a chance to say goodbye. When Mommy went into surgery, they took you both away far too quickly. I was hoping for a moment of privacy, a minute, a second… something to have a chance to say goodbye to you. But sooner than I was ready (I could have ever been ready?) they just started moving. My goodbye was too quick, but I hope you heard it, and I hope it was enough.

I hate to say that I’m almost a little mad at you (though I never truly could be). I’m mad at you for breaking your mother’s heart so irreparably. There you were, so much of her life, and then you just went away. I know it’s not your fault, but you’ve left me playing the role of the healer instead of the healing… trying to act as if I’m not hurting so that maybe, just maybe, your Mama wouldn’t be sad either… You would be proud of your brother, though. He’s been a great help to your Mama, filled with hugs and giggles. I’m so glad he’s here to help her, because Mama would be lost right now without him to focus on.

My Baby. You were supposed to be the final piece of the family puzzle, now you’ll always be the missing piece. No matter what we do, how much we try, how many children we have… we’ll always be missing you. I want you to know that. No matter if we have another child, it will always, in my heart, be child number three. You are a part of this family, forever.

Because of you there’s been a song stuck in my head for nearly a week now. Even while I’m singing to your brother this song is in my head. It’s just the chorus I hear, over and over again.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, I wanted you to know.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you, and I still love you so.

Good night, Baby. Daddy loves you.

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