Tuesday, May 1, 2012

here we go again

 Oh lordy, this again?

NaBloPoMo May 2012

Why yes, yes, it is.

My readership has grown like crazy in the past few months. The sick part of me realizes part of that is due to my miscarriage. Readers are drawn to that sort of thing. So when I saw that NaBloPoMo's May theme was going to be play, I kinda blanched and thought at first I'd ignore it.

I'm not really in the mood for playing at this point in my life. I'm still very much mourning the baby we lost. Sometimes I'll spend G's entire nap just looking at sites about non-genetic brain defects because I like torturing myself. My OB got a decent look at the baby and said the brain had developed out the back of the skull, and of course this points me toward encephalopathy, a defect that most resembles what I picture in my head. (I don't recommend looking that up because it isn't pretty.) Of course, most of the non-genetic brain defects are neural tubal related, which means they didn't close properly.

Which means, you know, why didn't I just take more folic acid or something? Really.

It does mean I'm taking extra folic acid now, as we're trying to get pregnant again. Another 400mg on top of my prenatal vitamin's 800mg. My OB never once mentioned taking more folic acid to prevent something like this happening again in future pregnancies. Her case was that the baby's brain defect wasn't preventable, but I'm not sure if she was just being nice about it - why screw with the emotions of someone who's obviously not all put back together yet? Maybe the defect wasn't neutral tube related and it's just all in my own head.

Speaking of all in my head. FertilityFriend.com, the site I'm using to chart my basal temps for ovulation (I highly recommend it, by the way), seems to think I've already ovulated due to my temps. Which is ridiculous because I've been sick, so of course my temps are whack right now. But if I went by the day the site thinks I'll get my next period, assuming I don't conceive this month, and plug that into a due date calculator, the due date for that baby would be the exact day of my D&C. February 17th, 2013.

How messed up is that? These are the things I think about on a daily basis. It's a wonder I'm not having to see a therapist for post traumatic anxiety right now.

...You know, NaBloPoMo's May theme of play may be just what I need this month. It's a healthy dose of fun coming at the beginning of my summer "not-quite-a-vacation" vacation.

If nothing else, you'll have a couple of guest posts from the hubs coming up. He's way funnier than I am.

1 comment:

  1. I think I can relate with the self torture part but I know that doesn't even compare. I am stuck as to what to say because Dave probably has already said it cause he is just that great. I will say if you need an ear for a bit just call.

    Here's to Play time and Summers Light


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