Thursday, June 7, 2012

goodbye, baby

Because of hand, foot, mouth going around in my house (but I'm immune, so that's great), and because of our last miscarriage at 14 weeks, my OB decided to bump up my first ultrasound to yesterday.

We left G with my mother-in-law while he napped, and both of us headed to my OB's office.

As I was checking in, my OB came over and gave me a big hug, happy to see us again. She crossed her fingers, hoping for good vibes before we went into the ultrasound.

A part of me thought, hey, I already had a miscarriage. A horrific later one. I paid my dues, right?

A part of me thought, it can't happen again, right?

A part of me knew it immediately, as soon as the technician slid the ultrasound wand inside. She measured the ovary that didn't ovulate. She went to the other side, sliding over the baby to my other ovary, a large black circle. I saw the baby for a brief moment. I took a deep breath, let it out. Took another one, let it out. Waited.

As soon as I saw the baby, I knew. There was no movement, no tiny heart pumping away. The technician measured and measured - I saw the baby measured right on target. She checked blood flow and saw none in the baby. She went into menus and out of menus, checked again and again, zoomed in and out. That terrible, awful screen came up, the one that measures the heartbeat, a line going across the screen left to right with flat lines.


So we've lost this baby. Honestly, I just feel numb inside. I don't think an early miscarriage would hurt as much as our 14 week one if it wasn't for the fact that it's now two in a row. I don't feel safe at all anymore. My OB wants to do testing to see if there's some condition that's causing these losses. I keep looking at G and thinking, were you just a fluke? A one-time miracle?

A part of me just wants to stop trying. But the more I'm denied my second take-home baby, the more I want it.


  1. Oh noooo =( My heart dropped when I saw the title of your post. I'm so sorry. My sister in law has the same feelings as you in regards to trying. She lost their first at 23 weeks and then just recently lost another at around 10 weeks. I hate it. Loss is so hard. I'm really sorry that you're going through it again.

  2. Oh I'm just devastated for you. It's horrendous that you had to go through this once, but twice.........!
    I'm really thinking of you, and hoping that they if there is anything specific going on, that they can find out and help.
    You're in my thoughts. X

  3. I am so so sorry you are going through this yet again. There are no words that I can say to help you, but to again say how sorry I am. I hope the testing figures things out for you.

  4. I can't imagine your pain.

    This might be weird or off base, so forgive me... but The universe/god has a perfect plan for you, just trust in that and follow your heart, dont let the pain distract you from the plan.

    I just had a friend who lost her baby at 13 weeks-- I know nothing really "makes it better" but I think it helps to think something greater is at work here, and while it's hard to understand WHY you should experience so much heart ache in the process--remember that the little one that keeps trying to come into your life is making decisions too, and maybe that little soul is just not ready to enter a worldly existence.. it's a scary place outside the comfort of loving parents. Be patient and kind to yourself.. sending you much love and light!

    Ryan @ Thismustbetheplaceryan

  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this again. I hope you get your second take home baby soon! Were they able to do genetic testing to see if it was caused by the same thing as your first loss?

    1. We didn't do genetic testing on baby #2 and we're not doing it on this baby either. She offered, but it would be very expensive and our insurance wouldn't cover it. We're not planning on doing any kind of genetic testing, even on us, since it wouldn't really affect us going forward.

  6. Hi Alicia,

    I just suffered my second loss in a row, this time at 18 weeks- she was alive but docs said she never would've made it to viability so we had to induce labor and knew she wouldn't make it. I am basically at the point where I too feel hopeless coming off two in a row. The doctors suspect that I, like you, have a thrombophilia issue. As soon as my levels drop to zero I will be tested. Your blog has been really insightful for me. Good luck with your current pregnancy:)


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