yard sale-ing

How cute is this pic of G with his two grandmas? Totally cute. My mom on the left and Dave's mom on the right.

My mom came into town Friday night to watch G while we had our yard sale Saturday. We had been collecting other people's stuff for weeks, ever since we discovered that our insurance will not cover any of our maternal/fetal specialist's doctor visits, ultrasounds, or lab work. We plan on fighting our insurance in whatever way we can, but even if they do cave in and cover these items, we're still looking at bare minimum of $10,000 for our next baby. Assuming we can carry to term, anyway.

We were so lucky to get tons of donations for our yard sale. While we didn't have as big of a turn-out as we were hoping, we actually sold a ton of stuff! In fact, we sold $600 worth! We donated our leftovers to Goodwill while keeping what we think we can sell on eBay or Craigslist.

I'm so grateful that our yard sale was such a success. We spent a lot of time sorting through items, placing prices, and of course, hauling everything outside and setting up. G got to spend some much-wanted time with my mom who he doesn't get to see very often. And we got to cover a month's worth of doctor's bills! Woo!

(As a side note, if anyone knows if blood clotting disorders are covered under the "pregnancy complications" of insurance, do let me know. We're gearing up to fight our insurance since it's not listed either way on our explanation of benefits. We don't have a maternity rider as our insurance company doesn't offer one. Also, when I spoke to someone from my insurance company, all she would say is that they couldn't theorize on covered benefits until it actually happened because it depended upon the physician who reviewed my claims. Uh-huh.)

extra great great-grandparents

We went down to Alabama for the 4th of July, like we often do. I think I've only spent one 4th in Nashville and I don't remember celebrating it by doing anything. I hate the car ride back to where I grew up, though I guess I shouldn't complain about a measly 2.5 hour drive.

Florence always seems like home. I haven't lived there for more than a summer in twelve years, and I've been in Nashville full time for six. But my parents' number still says "Home" on my phone, and every corner of my grandparents' house and yard is familiar to me. I grew up next door to them and probably spent more time over there than I did in our double-wide trailer. It's so weird to see G playing in their yard the way I did when I was little. I'm so happy that he's getting to know my grandparents.

My mom's parents were as close to me as grandparents could possible get. I saw them almost daily, and they're tangled up with most of my memories of my childhood. Everyone who meets them loves them, and you'll never hear anything negative said about either of them even though half the town knows who they are. They are the most generous people you will ever meet. The stories they have to tell are endless.

I don't get to see my grandparents near enough now that I live a state away. But going to Florence always feels like coming home.

my mama

The pic below of my mom and G was taken a few days after my D&C. She came up to Nashville soon after we learned about the miscarriage to help us take care of G while I was in the hospital and recovering afterward. I haven't posted any of the photos taken that weekend because they remind me of the worst days of my life. But this one I just love.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. She's in Miami right now with my dad, visiting my dad's family (I'm so jealous). Anyway, I'm just having a bummed, missing my mom kind of day. I look forward to seeing her and my grandparents for G's second birthday party in a week and a half (!!!).

My mum was seriously the best mom ever. She taught me most of what I know about being a good parent. About always showing affection. About always having the time to play (and she still does this!). About always being able to listen even if she disagrees. About being slow to anger and quick to forgive.

Even though we live in two different states, she's always ready to come up if I need her. When I called her to say we were headed to the hospital because my OB suspected I had pre-eclampsia with G, she packed her bag and started driving before I was even in a labor room. When I called her bawling on the phone, driving home after that awful doctor's appointment where we heard no heartbeat with baby #2, she was ready to drive up right then if I asked.

We talk on the phone at least every other day, even if we don't really have anything to talk about. She lets me vent and whine, laugh and cry, without hardly any judgement. She's got my back but yet she'll put me in my place.

It's no wonder G loves her as much as I do. She's an easy gal to love. :)

...

Okay, I'm getting off the computer now before I cry. Gah, I'm so hormonal! I'm 5 weeks tomorrow and I think it's really started to show!

onward to Alabama, again

This is a shot of G while we were on our way to Alabama yesterday afternoon. The kid knows how to strike a chillax pose, doesn't he?

We'll be here until tomorrow. My grandmother, great aunt, and brother's birthdays were yesterday, so we celebrated with a ton of family today. Full party on!

outside, outside, outside, everybody, outside!

You know, I keep getting asked when I'm finally going to cut my boy's hair. I think some dirty looks aimed at my husband has silenced the talk on this side of the fence. However, I usually just point out the obvious: you really want me to get rid of those curls? I mean, curls, people. I love the way they curl around his ears and spiral in the back.

As God as my witness, I'll wait as long as possible before cutting G's hair!

Ahem.

Last weekend, we went to visit my family in Alabama. G freakin' loves my mama, which makes my heart go pitter-patter.

G decided that tunnels were da bomb after I crawled through this one. After that, he's attacked every tunnel with gusto. We're heading to baby gym in the morning, so we'll see if his new-found appreciation of tunnels continues.

The weekend was so nice and hot, so we headed out to several parks. G has been whining to go outside a lot this week. I'm guessing he got spoiled with all the outdoor time. I wish not for the last time that we had a decent backyard. Heck, I wish we had any backyard instead of the steep hill of death out back.

This pic of the two of us cracks me up. He was pointing and jabbering at the fountains, and I look like I'm very focused on explaining that he can't walk across the water to check them out. Seriously, he pitched the biggest fit when the hubs wouldn't let him leap into the water.

Oh, did I mention the hand-holding? My baby has decided that it's okay to hold our hand, and he'll hold it often and for lengthy periods of time. My kiddo will finally hold my hand in a parking lot! Or just for fun! It's all kinds of awesome.

Yeah, he wanted to dive off into that water, too.

This is my mum and grandmother (her mum). Cute, yes? It's not the first time I've taken their picture together on this little train that travels throughout the park. I'm aiming to get one every year.

G enjoyed the train much more this time around.

And we, being the grown-ups we are, road the roller coaster! If I can't be pregnant, I might as well have fun, right? Of course right!

G was very focused on that roller coaster.

More hand-holding and tunnels at another park!

He's also become more obsessed with swinging. We went to the zoo yesterday and he literally swung for 30 minutes like whoa. My arm was about to fall off.

All in all, a grand weekend. My brother and his girlfriend are coming to town for some soccer games this weekend, and I'm looking forward to hanging out. Keeping myself busy is the best medicine right now!

grief

Because I'm a writer, I have to write this.

I'm  starting this post at 12:30 at night, Thursday morning. I'm not sure when I'll post it. I've been watching the clock as time moved into the next day, and the worst day of my life turned into yesterday. I'm wishing right now that yesterday was just a nightmare I just woke up from, and that tomorrow won't bring yet another nightmare I won't be able to forget.

I had started a different post yesterday but never got around to finishing it. I was going to title it "My Valentine's Day from h. e. double hockey sticks." Cute, right? My Valentine's Day really sucked hardcore.

I was going to write about how I threw up all over myself on the way to work. You know. The usual pregnant lady bitching about the nausea and why isn't it over yet? What a way to start Valentine's Day. I also got chocolate that morning, though, and chocolate can make most things better. Right?

I was going to write about how, yesterday afternoon, G busted his eyelid on the coffee table. He dropped his sippy cup on the floor, bent to pick it up, and somehow didn't see that coffee table coming out of nowhere.

We can joke about it now, but at the time there was blood and a lot of talk about stitches. We were told to go to the children's ER, so off we went. After making it through triage, we waited two and a half hours only to be told, hmm, you know, it's more superficial than anything, so we'll leave it alone. We made it home late after being at the hospital for almost four hours. Poor G hadn't eaten since 3 o'clock because stitches near a toddler's eye means sedation, so we'd been told not to give him anything. Yeah, I'm still kind of pissed about that.

I was going to write about the super awesome Valentine's Day package my mom sent us in the mail. G still hasn't gotten to open it, though.

Of course, Valentine's Day is now the day before yesterday.

Yesterday, we had a routine monthly exam at the OB to see how baby #2 was doing. We had G with us since it should have been a simple in-and-out visit. I believe my words were, as my OB squirted gel onto my stomach, "I can't wait to hear the heartbeat for the first time."

I guess I should have kept my mouth shut.

The seconds ticked by. My OB searched and searched and searched for that heartbeat. I stared up at the ceiling. Where are you, baby? Say hi for mommy, okay? Stay calm, stay calm.

My OB left and returned with a rather old ultrasound machine. We were probably the last appointment of the day, and not many people were still around. It was pretty easy to see that there was no movement in the chest cavity to indicate a heartbeat.

I think that's when I started crying. My OB didn't say much yet, but I knew. Oh, I knew. She mentioned that the head seemed misshaped. I asked if that was because the baby had started to decay. She said probably, yes. I don't think anyone ever said, your baby has died. Maybe there are some things that just don't need to be said.

My OB called around to find a real ultrasound technician. It took a while, but one was found. They stayed late for us, taking measurements of the baby. The technician asked if I wanted to watch the monitor. I didn't hesitate and said yes. I owed my baby that much, to catch my last glimpses of him or her. I couldn't look away now.

The baby didn't look that bad. I saw a head, the body, some hands, some feet. It was beautiful. Hi, baby. I'm sorry Mommy couldn't protect you. I'm sorry we can't meet you in August like we were supposed to. The technician scanned the chest cavity and the heart rate pattern came up. Only straight lines. I'm sorry we never got to actually hear your heartbeat. It was so strong at 9 weeks. I love you, I love you, I love you.

The technician didn't say much. I was handed tissue by various people. I did ask her how far along the baby was measuring and she said 14 weeks. I was 14 weeks along that day. The baby had likely passed sometime in the past few days.

We went back to our OB. The office was pretty much shut down, with just her and her nurse there. We talked about why this might have happened (who knows?) and since it was my first miscarriage, it didn't raise my chances of having another (though it was a later miscarriage), and here were the options of how to pass the baby (naturally or D&C; we've now decided to do the latter).

She gestured at G, who was in Dave's arms and being so patient. She said to focus on what we had, that we had proved a pregnancy of ours could turn into something so beautiful.

I nodded. But inside, I was selfish. I wanted my other beautiful baby too.

She said she could probably do a D&C on Friday, if we wanted. That's what we've decided to do now. Apparently passing a baby this far along naturally can be very painful. I want to do what's best for me, and I also want to do what gives my baby the most dignity.

I'm not at all grossed out by the fact that I'm still carrying my baby right now. I won't be able to ever hold him or her in my arms, but I can hug he or she with my whole body for the next two days. I can whisper that I love him or her, I can say I'm sorry, and I can promise that I will see them again one day. 

Tomorrow, I will be put under anesthesia, with a breathing tube down my throat. When I wake up, my baby will be gone. I won't get to see him or her or take him or her home with me. I won't be pregnant anymore. I'll have to finally make myself say goodbye. The image I want burned into my brain for the rest of my life isn't one from these last few days - the misshapen body of my baby, the heart rate monitor that showed no heartbeat, how much flatter my belly will be tomorrow evening.

I want, most of all, to remember how much my baby, looking perfectly healthy, moved at our first ultrasound at almost 9 weeks. How he or she wiggled hands and feet and threw that head about, testing the waters of this newfound movement. I will cherish the images we have of our second child, and think, so very often 

Mommy loves you.

birthday + finals + surprise = chaos!

This past week has been cray-zee. Here's a recap.

Tuesday
I have (well, had, since it's now over) a Monday evening class that had a huge project due this past Monday. So I went a good portion of Tuesday working on it, basically whenever G was asleep.

Wednesday
It was my birthday. The big dreaded 3-0. Sigh. Dave was determined to recreate my Birthday Weekend Spectacular of 2007, and I'd say he got pretty darn close. Except for a ring and a proposal at the end - ha!

My husband cooked me a damn tasty meal of potatos au gratin, stuffed mushrooms, and chicken cordon bleu. Yummy!

And then I got this cake. I appreciated the 29th on there - har - but I was kinda amazed at the size of it. I think that's the smallest bday cake I've ever seen. But it was chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, so I wasn't complaining. :)

A bazillion people sang happy birthday to me. Like a lot of people, I get embarrassed to have so much focus on me, but I don't really mind the happy birthday song. (Unlike the hubs, who can be a bit fuddy-duddy about it, especially in public.) The highlight was that Blue Sky Riders sang for me over the phone! That's my father-in-law, my future step mother-in-law (whoa, weird title!), and Kenny Loggins (who's really really tall in person). How cool is that?

As part of the 2007 Birthday Weekend Spectacular, we then headed out to the Opryland Hotel. We couldn't find the trees outside, which is where he proposed to me, but we wandered around inside until G was stumbling and really started to zone out. We wore him out! But he refused to be carried, so we let him run all over the place.

If you're in the Nashville area, I highly recommend an evening out to the Opryland Hote. It's just gorgeous! I'm so happy they were able to rebuild after the floods last year. The mall still isn't fully open, though that's supposed to change in March.

Thursday
After my birthday, it was back to the grind of working on that project. So exhausting!

Friday
Since eating some pizza Tuesday afternoon, my right back gum had been hurting. Thursday evening, I thought it looked infected - so gross! So after giving a final from 8-10 this morning, I headed over to the dentist. He took an X-ray and told me that I might need a root canal because the tooth near that gum might be infected. Say whaaaa? I was terrified. He referred me to a specialist, so thankfully looked at it and told me it was definitely not the tooth. Likely, something I ate had irritated the gum. He cleaned it out - ouch! - gave me an antibiotic, and sent me on my way. I was so relieved!

I got home about 1:30, and I was just exhausted. I locked G and I up in his room, which is babysafe, and just passed out on the floor. Every few minutes, he'd come over and shove something in my face or climb over me, but I was able to snatch a few minutes here and there of a nap. I definitely felt much better after that.

Saturday
We spent the morning and some of the afternoon preparing for our Christmas party on Sunday. Then we headed out to dinner at Buca di Beppo, which is the restaurant where we had our third date and our rehearsal dinner. The hubs had been acting suspicious, so I was kinda suspecting something was up. I walked in the restaurant to find most of our friends and family waiting for us. I was not expecting that many people! Even Grayson was there, brought by my mother-in-law who I thought was babysitting back at home.

Of course, it was such a perfect set up for what was to come. Dave and I whispered about it a little and decided to go ahead and surprise everyone who had just surprised me. Dave stood up to give a toast, and said something about "the mother of his children." Now, of course, we only have G, our one child. A few of them picked up on the "children" and it took a little while for others. I loved seeing their faces as they finally realized what he had meant.

Yup, we're pregnant with baby #2!

A bunch of us went bowling afterward. We all bowled one game, then some of them left to head home. That left me, hubs, Jennifer, and Michael, two of my best friends. Michael had come all the way from Iowa to surprise me! The four of us, since we had already paid for two games, decided to double-bowl. Oh my gosh, we were exhausted by the end of it! We would have to bowl one side, then turn right around and bowl the other. We were home by 8:30, but it felt like midnight. My arms felt like jello and my butt hurt the next morning. Who bowls three games and comes away with a sore butt? Me, apparently.

Sunday
Party time! We prepped all day, then the party started at 3pm. Tasty good, good friends, and dirty Santa. Since Michael was still in town, we hung out that night before he left Monday morning.


Monday
Dave had a dentist appointment early in the morning, so I was on baby-duty for a bit longer than usual. When G went down for a nap, I finished up my project for class. That afternoon, we took G to his 18 month doc appointment. Afterward, it was a quick earlier dinner and then I headed off to my last class.

Tuesday
Totally crash day. After the craziness of the past week, I was ready to lay around and watch TV all day.

And that was my week! I have a couple more posts in the works, one about the pregnancy so far (yaaaay!), and one about G.

on the eve of Thanksgiving

We headed down to Florence, Alabama this morning, where my parents and most of my mom's family lives. These next three days will be eagerly packed with food and family - the best possible aspects of the holidays, in my opinion.

Of course, it'll be difficult for this Thanksgiving - or any Thanksgiving, for that matter - to surpass last year's family smorgasbord of craziness where my parents' house was filled to the top with family.

But still, it's the first step of the holidays, which makes me see twinkling lights in my head wherever I go or hum Christmas carols. I have a Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer CD waiting for me when we get back home. I'm going to play it on repeat as we decorate the house. And no, I won't feel sorry for my husband, one bit.

Today, we drove the 2 hours and 15 minutes to Flo-town. Our first stop was my grandparents' house to hang out for the rest of the day until my mom got off work. Having to work the day before Thanksgiving? A tragedy. (Though I suppose it's way worse to have to work on Thanksgiving or the dreaded day of death Black Friday after Thanksgiving.)

These are my mom's parents, the grandparents I spent most of my childhood living next to. I literally had the steps memorized that took me to their front porch from my front porch, and I could leap the distance in about 10 seconds. They really were my second parents growing up, and I'm so thrilled that G loves them as much as I do.

How cute are they, right?

Pa-Paw (or as I like to call him now - The Great Pa-Paw) has been dying to get G on his lawnmower - blades turned off, of course. He's driven every child and grandchild on the thing. I knew it wouldn't go over well, G having an aversion to loud noises and such. But we went with it.

I don't think G cried. But he certainly wanted off and fast. This is the best pic I took where he didn't have a oh HELL no face.

G is literally standing in what was my back yard as a kid. Our trailer is no longer there, but this still blows my mind.

G doesn't really like to hold hands unless he's unsure about a situation. But he held Pa-Paw's hand from here and back to the house. So stinkin' cute.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving.

Saturday, I turn toward Christmas. I guess that means I should start some shopping. Though you won't catch me in a mall for at least another week or so!

Miami Trip, part 3 (the wedding)

On day 4 of our trip, Saturday came along, the day of my cousin's wedding. G's crankiness came out in full force. He made it through the rather long Catholic mass ceremony without a glitch, but he was done by the time of the reception. Plus, our preferred way off Miami Beach was closed right after the ceremony due to a fatal motorcycle wreck, so that threw the reception hours off schedule. Needless to say, Dave and G had to head back to the condo before dinner even started. At least we did end up getting some cute pics of G!

Yes, I'm cutting a molar. What's your problem??

Strike a pose!

This one is my favorite. We're totally getting it framed. Such a handsome little boy! My baby is gone. Pardon me while I weep copiously for his babyhood.

Dave,Grayson, and me with my Cuban grandparents.

My parents with my Dad's parents.

I love my Puso! He had a profound influence on my life when I was growing up. He is still sharp as a tack. I loved seeing him play around with G.

After the ceremony, and after we all made it to the reception, it was time to party! This pic below was the first I snapped at the reception as I was fiddling with my settings. But I love it so hard! That's the hubs with my cousin Steve photo-bombing. Dave was hardly drinking since he had to take G back to the condo early, but you'd never know it from this photo. haha.

Me and my cousins (yes, they're twins).

The happily married and oh-so cute couple!

Most of our photos with G have him in this same position. He just wanted to run around all night long.

Gah, I was so bummed when the hubs and G had to leave, but it was already past his bedtime. I actually would have kept him up later, but he was having serious attitude problems. On the plane ride back home, less than two days later, we saw that he had cut his first molar. It's rough being a toddler! Ah well, my cousins and brother with his girlfriend kept me company on the dance floor - and we danced all night long. It's been almost a week since the wedding and my feet still haven't recovered, the mark of an awesome wedding.

We spent more time at the beach and more time with family the next day, so I'll finish out my series with pictures from last Sunday sometime this weekend.