no good excuses, really

I'm alllliiiiiiive.

Okay, it's been a seriously long time since I blogged. I could give you a whole host of reasons why I just haven't picked up the computer in the past almost two months.

1. I ran into end-of-the-semester business consisting of finals, grading, and a rush to finish my own classwork. 
2. The holidays wiped me out and I spent most of my free time sleeping.
3. As suggested above, this pregnancy has wiped me out. I spend G's naps getting a nap of my own, and I go to bed at 9:30.

Honestly, it's more likely that I just haven't known what to write about. I have a ton of things happening in my life right now, almost all positive, yet I've got a writing funk. I just haven't felt like dealing in writing with hosts of issues we've faced, from issues with the baby to Grayson's speech therapy. We spent the last couple of months unsure if we were going to be able to keep the little life inside of me. And, well, here is a picture of me as of a few days ago.

That's me 20 weeks pregnant. Yeah, I can't quite believe it myself either. I'll post more later this week about our baby, including if it's a boy or a girl (we know!), and the struggles we've faced. I promise I'll play catch up on our lives!

For now, here's a few pictures from Thanksgiving.

G and my mom.

 G and his great-Granny. This picture cracks me up so hard.

 And finally, a gorgeous picture of my Granny, laughing it up. I hope these pictures make her smile. :)

More to come soon!

extra great great-grandparents

We went down to Alabama for the 4th of July, like we often do. I think I've only spent one 4th in Nashville and I don't remember celebrating it by doing anything. I hate the car ride back to where I grew up, though I guess I shouldn't complain about a measly 2.5 hour drive.

Florence always seems like home. I haven't lived there for more than a summer in twelve years, and I've been in Nashville full time for six. But my parents' number still says "Home" on my phone, and every corner of my grandparents' house and yard is familiar to me. I grew up next door to them and probably spent more time over there than I did in our double-wide trailer. It's so weird to see G playing in their yard the way I did when I was little. I'm so happy that he's getting to know my grandparents.

My mom's parents were as close to me as grandparents could possible get. I saw them almost daily, and they're tangled up with most of my memories of my childhood. Everyone who meets them loves them, and you'll never hear anything negative said about either of them even though half the town knows who they are. They are the most generous people you will ever meet. The stories they have to tell are endless.

I don't get to see my grandparents near enough now that I live a state away. But going to Florence always feels like coming home.

love letters to my children

I've been trying all day to write one letter to G and one letter to second-baby, the baby we lost in February. I will write a paragraph, then delete it. I will sit here, on Blogger, for 30 minutes, unable to write anything.

I have so much I could say to G, in these last hours of Mother's Day. But I feel as though this entire blog is a love letter to my first born, to the one who taught me how to be a mama, the one who keeps me going in the waves of loss-caused depression. I love him so much I feel as though my heart could burst. When I lost second-baby, some of my early thoughts to God were "If you take Grayson too, I'll never forgive you."

Because I couldn't. G is the reason I don't linger in bed, the reason I head downstairs instead of showering first, so I can see his little face grinning at me between the bars of his crib. His smile is my strength, and his laughter lessens the knot that constantly sits in my chest. When I hold his hand, I feel like those smooth, soft fingers are tugging me onward.

Whenever he wants comfort, I hold him close and think, yes, this is my purpose.

Losing second-baby meant that I lost a lot of myself. My bits of future and family, my confidence, my innocence that had never touched grief. I large part of me never wants to fill those holes because I'm too afraid of losing the only connection to second-baby that I still have. As soon as I move on, I have to admit that baby is dead. As soon as I move on, I no longer have that part of baby inside of me, the grief that weighs me down but constantly reminds me of the life that's gone.

And I never, ever want to forget that life. I don't want to forget the grief of losing baby. I'm the mama to two children, one downstairs asleep in his crib and one whose body was incinerated with countless other babies and body parts but whose soul lives on in my heart and in heaven, waiting for me to get there.

I want both of my children to only and always know love from me. No matter that I have to put on my parental hat whenever he gets into trouble. No matter if I could never hold him or her in my arms. I want there to be only love in my actions and in my life toward them. I want them to always, at least, know that I loved them.

I guess, in that, there is my love letter.

Christmas (Eve) Morning

This is what Christmas (Eve) morning with a sick and crusty toddler looks like:

Get it off get it off!

He wanted nothing to do with that stocking this year, unlike last year when he thought it was the bee's knees.

I was kinda hoping for the same reaction this year, but oh well. I can't blame the guy. He hadn't gotten much sleep due to his congestion, and he had so much snot that he rivaled me for the amount of tissue used in a day. He actually liked his stuff once we unwrapped it for him. I got him to sit still by pulling him onto the couch with me and unwrapping his stuff in front of him. He's such a gooey and cuddly toddler that this kind of thing can pacify him.

He didn't get much from us since his largest present cost so much - a few books, a doctor's kit (he loves that thing), and a stuffed owl named Roxie that he kinda ignores. Oh well. At least he loves Measles, the polka dotted giraffe we gave him last Christmas; he knows its name, and will go over and give it loves when we ask where Measles is.

Anyway, his big gift was a PBK Anywhere Chair. So far, I haven't seen him actually sitting in it. Rather, he does this funny crouch thing as he steps into it and hangs out. He always has this goofy smile on his face like he thinks his new vantage part is that awesome.

Look! I'm in a chair! What's up with that?

We had three more celebrations after that - one with Dave's family that evening, Christmas morning with my parents, and Christmas evening with my grandparents and the rest of my mom's family. By the end of it, pretty much everyone was sick except for Dave and me, and even we were fighting it off. I'm not even sure how much of that was Grayson's fault (not that you can fault him for spreading the love around) but yay for germs.

Tomorrow, G turns 19 months and I turn 8 weeks pregnant. The fact that I can say that sentence just boggles my mind. Boggles.

End of the Year Meme

Year six of this meme! Will I ever stop doing it? Eh, probably not.

The hubs and I are celebrating this New Year's so far by trying our damnest to get the kiddo to go to bed. I don't know what's up with that, but he's take at least an hour to go to bed ever since the time change. It's exhausting and so frustrating. So that's all so far. I think afterward, we're going to watch Princess Mononoke and play Lego Pirates of the Caribbean; that is, if I don't fall asleep way before then.

What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Started a program to get my teaching license for elementary school. Fun stuff right there.

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I haven't bothered to make resolutions in a really long time. Mainly, I want to deliver a healthy baby and try not to kill my husband while I'm at it. (Because, you know, it's all the man's fault while you're pregnant.)

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Some Facebook friends, but no one close. It does seem like everyone's popping out babies right now.

Did anyone close to you die?
No, thank goodness.

What countries did you visit?
None. Boo.

What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A second child? I dunno, that's about all I can think of.

What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 9th, which is the day I start counting this pregnancy. Middle October is big because that's the month we went to Miami.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting to drink alcohol as much as I wanted for four whole months! Also, I finished breastfeeding at 13 months, so I'm really excited that I did it for that long.

What was your biggest failure?
Eh, I dunno. Nothing really went wrong this year.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. I'm having some teeth issues because a couple of new fillings that replaced old fillings aren't healing up properly. I'm still pissed about it, and I need to see if I can get them fixed (again) during my second trimester.

What was the best thing you bought?
A 40" widescreen TV for the bedroom. It's awesome-sauce. 

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My brother, maybe. He finally got himself a girlfriend and she's a keeper. :)

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Politics in general. Sigh.

Where did most of your money go?
We kinda had one thing after another hit in 2011 in terms of money. It really sucked.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting pregnant again! Starting school again!

What song will always remind you of 2011?
Probably something one of Grayson's little toys play. Those jingles will always remind me of his babyhood.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier, always
b) thinner or fatter?
fatter and it's a bummer. I plan on going on Weight Watchers once I'm not breastfeeding baby #2 anymore.
c) richer or poorer?
about the same? But we're shoveling all of our extra money into hospital savings right now, so there's not a lot of cash hanging around to spend.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
I always say traveling, but we did take a big trip to Miami. I wish I had read more, but I did do a decent amount. I'm pretty happy with 2011 overall.

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Dealing with a cat. I'm so tired of living with an animal that hates my kid.

How will you be spending Christmas?
Like last year, we spent Christmas Eve with the in-laws and Christmas with my family.

Did you fall in love in 2011?
I've got two boys filling up my heart right now. I think I can find room for one more (boy or girl) in 2012, though. :)

What was your favorite TV program?
American Horror Story was full of glorious cracktastic awesome-ness. Adventure Time with Finn and Jake gave me hope that there might be something decent on TV for G when he's older. 

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I didn't much mind Simon, our cat, last year because he pretty much ignored baby-G. But he completely hates toddler-G, even though Grayson is very gentle and nice toward him. He tries to bite G whenever G attempts to gently pet him, and I this infuriates me so hard. I just don't know what to do about the situation since Simon is 11 and has to take constant thyroid medication. 

What was the best book you read?
I didn't read a ton, but I did get to rekindle my love of Bruce Coville's My Teacher is an Alien series. I also discovered George R. R. Martin's Song of Fire and Ice series and read all of those. People complain about them a lot, but they're very engaging. I'm currently reading the Girl with a Dragon Tattoo trilogy and liking it so far.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing new.

What did you want and get?
Pregnant, again!

What did you want and not get?
A new house. Looks like I won't get one until 2014 at the earliest. Sigh.

What was your favorite film of this year?
The last Harry Potter. Sniff, sniff!

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned the big 3-0. Insert very heavy sigh here. But I did have a fantastic one, especially because a bunch of friends and family surprised me at the same restaurant where Dave and I 1) first ate a meal together, and 2) had our rehearsal dinner. We also went bowling. I love me some bowling.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Moving into a new house. Not having any pets.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Trying to dress my post-baby body was a bit difficult. My boobs went back down to a manageable size, but my middle didn't.

What kept you sane?
Knowing that everything in temporary and that I can always look toward the future.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I wrote this last year: Johnny Depp, as always. I want in his pants.
That statement hasn't changed.  

What political issue stirred you the most?
The upcoming 2012 election. I just can't vote for a homophobe, so all Republication nominees are out!

Who did you miss?
No one really. We did try to be more sociable this year, and we were at least fairly successful. 

Who was the best new person you met?
Made some online mama friends!

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
You can't go backwards. A person from college tried to stir up some kind of friendship between us this year, after two years of nothing, and it just didn't work, especially because she hadn't grown up at all. I don't have time for nonsense in my life anymore... and I think that's a sign that I'm finally - gasp - an adult.

Happy New Year, everyone!

post-Christmas letdown

My apologies. It feels as though I haven't blogged in ages, though in reality it's only been about a week. The past week has felt like a month.

Christmas was fantastic and I'm so glad it's over. G got sick a couple days beforehand, as did my grandparents, and I spent some time trying not to freak out that no one was going to be able to hang out with anyone. But it all worked out in the end. The hubs and I haven't gotten sick yet, though I'm sitting here with a sore throat and wondering if that will last.

G is still dealing with that blasted cold. His runny nose has eased up a bit so he's able to sleep through the night again, but we're subjected to long crying bouts over nothing in particular. I'm worried there's something more wrong, like an ear infection, but I don't want to bother with a doc visit until early next week to see if this passes on it's own. It could also just be the fact that we're home again. We usually have to deal with a bit of whining and tantrumy attitude from him after being at my parents'. He spends a few days getting everything he wants with a little whining, and suddenly he thinks that's the way to behave all of the time. Of course, we've also been lax with him because he's been sick, so it's a bunch of things piled up.

I feel sorry for the little guy, especially because I haven't been as active in taking care of him as I would like. I've hit 7 weeks pregnant and the nausea has really hit hard the past couple of days. Today was the worst, but I did manage not to throw up. Yet. That combined with major allergies leaving me unable to breath through my nose unless I'm laying down, and crazy intense fatigue... all I want to do is lay in bed.

Speaking of which, I'm in bed right now. I think I'm gonna lay back down and watch the hubs play Skyrim a little longer before poking him for a neck massage.

I promise to post a better Christmas update later once I've edited some pics.

birthday + finals + surprise = chaos!

This past week has been cray-zee. Here's a recap.

Tuesday
I have (well, had, since it's now over) a Monday evening class that had a huge project due this past Monday. So I went a good portion of Tuesday working on it, basically whenever G was asleep.

Wednesday
It was my birthday. The big dreaded 3-0. Sigh. Dave was determined to recreate my Birthday Weekend Spectacular of 2007, and I'd say he got pretty darn close. Except for a ring and a proposal at the end - ha!

My husband cooked me a damn tasty meal of potatos au gratin, stuffed mushrooms, and chicken cordon bleu. Yummy!

And then I got this cake. I appreciated the 29th on there - har - but I was kinda amazed at the size of it. I think that's the smallest bday cake I've ever seen. But it was chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, so I wasn't complaining. :)

A bazillion people sang happy birthday to me. Like a lot of people, I get embarrassed to have so much focus on me, but I don't really mind the happy birthday song. (Unlike the hubs, who can be a bit fuddy-duddy about it, especially in public.) The highlight was that Blue Sky Riders sang for me over the phone! That's my father-in-law, my future step mother-in-law (whoa, weird title!), and Kenny Loggins (who's really really tall in person). How cool is that?

As part of the 2007 Birthday Weekend Spectacular, we then headed out to the Opryland Hotel. We couldn't find the trees outside, which is where he proposed to me, but we wandered around inside until G was stumbling and really started to zone out. We wore him out! But he refused to be carried, so we let him run all over the place.

If you're in the Nashville area, I highly recommend an evening out to the Opryland Hote. It's just gorgeous! I'm so happy they were able to rebuild after the floods last year. The mall still isn't fully open, though that's supposed to change in March.

Thursday
After my birthday, it was back to the grind of working on that project. So exhausting!

Friday
Since eating some pizza Tuesday afternoon, my right back gum had been hurting. Thursday evening, I thought it looked infected - so gross! So after giving a final from 8-10 this morning, I headed over to the dentist. He took an X-ray and told me that I might need a root canal because the tooth near that gum might be infected. Say whaaaa? I was terrified. He referred me to a specialist, so thankfully looked at it and told me it was definitely not the tooth. Likely, something I ate had irritated the gum. He cleaned it out - ouch! - gave me an antibiotic, and sent me on my way. I was so relieved!

I got home about 1:30, and I was just exhausted. I locked G and I up in his room, which is babysafe, and just passed out on the floor. Every few minutes, he'd come over and shove something in my face or climb over me, but I was able to snatch a few minutes here and there of a nap. I definitely felt much better after that.

Saturday
We spent the morning and some of the afternoon preparing for our Christmas party on Sunday. Then we headed out to dinner at Buca di Beppo, which is the restaurant where we had our third date and our rehearsal dinner. The hubs had been acting suspicious, so I was kinda suspecting something was up. I walked in the restaurant to find most of our friends and family waiting for us. I was not expecting that many people! Even Grayson was there, brought by my mother-in-law who I thought was babysitting back at home.

Of course, it was such a perfect set up for what was to come. Dave and I whispered about it a little and decided to go ahead and surprise everyone who had just surprised me. Dave stood up to give a toast, and said something about "the mother of his children." Now, of course, we only have G, our one child. A few of them picked up on the "children" and it took a little while for others. I loved seeing their faces as they finally realized what he had meant.

Yup, we're pregnant with baby #2!

A bunch of us went bowling afterward. We all bowled one game, then some of them left to head home. That left me, hubs, Jennifer, and Michael, two of my best friends. Michael had come all the way from Iowa to surprise me! The four of us, since we had already paid for two games, decided to double-bowl. Oh my gosh, we were exhausted by the end of it! We would have to bowl one side, then turn right around and bowl the other. We were home by 8:30, but it felt like midnight. My arms felt like jello and my butt hurt the next morning. Who bowls three games and comes away with a sore butt? Me, apparently.

Sunday
Party time! We prepped all day, then the party started at 3pm. Tasty good, good friends, and dirty Santa. Since Michael was still in town, we hung out that night before he left Monday morning.


Monday
Dave had a dentist appointment early in the morning, so I was on baby-duty for a bit longer than usual. When G went down for a nap, I finished up my project for class. That afternoon, we took G to his 18 month doc appointment. Afterward, it was a quick earlier dinner and then I headed off to my last class.

Tuesday
Totally crash day. After the craziness of the past week, I was ready to lay around and watch TV all day.

And that was my week! I have a couple more posts in the works, one about the pregnancy so far (yaaaay!), and one about G.

a whirwind of a week

Gah, I still mean to post a couple times a week, even if NaBloPoMo is over - and thank goodness it is! I have a ton to talk about concerning this past week, but for now, here's a pic.

Yep, that's my kiddo down there at the bottom of that massive Christmas tree, running at us full force with a giant smile on his face. This was, hmm, Wednesday night, day three or so of the SEVEN DAYS OF CRAY-ZEE.

I promise I'll get up a week-long report later.

when life happens

Thanksgiving was fantastic. My mom was in full g-mama mode, running around with my kid all day, every day while I got to do a bit of lounging about the house. It was heaven.

Then we get home and check our mailbox, and bam, we're back to reality. A notice that our health insurance won't be covering yet another thing from G's emergency room visit. This time? $600 for his xrays. That's on top of the $200-300 we've already received.

Oh hi. Merry Christmas.

It's just one more big charge we've gotten slammed with in the past two months. I need life to seriously take a chill pill for a moment.

Our cat needed teeth pulled. $130 to figure that out. $230 to pull them. Oh, and maybe you should lower his thyroid meds since his levels are a little off. $40 to retest. Oops, now they're off in the other direction. Next month? Another $40 to retest.

I go to the dentist for a routine check up. Oh, by the way, your fillings are over 15 years old and need to be replaced. Bam, $880.

My car's thermometer goes bad. $120.

At this point, I'm just praying that nothing else goes wrong until next year. Come on, life, give us a break, okay?

We did set up our tree this evening while playing Christmas music - that at least calmed me down. And I snapped this pic to cheer me up.

We got these little salt n pepper shakers from Target a few weeks ago. I love them so hard. Every time I see them, I try to refocus my mind on the upcoming holidays. The money will take care of itself, and I need to give G the best Christmas possible by focusing on him and not on what's stressing me out.

Christmas is about love and family. And little cheek kisses. I love little cheek kisses.

Especially when they come from my little cheeky toddler.

on the eve of Thanksgiving

We headed down to Florence, Alabama this morning, where my parents and most of my mom's family lives. These next three days will be eagerly packed with food and family - the best possible aspects of the holidays, in my opinion.

Of course, it'll be difficult for this Thanksgiving - or any Thanksgiving, for that matter - to surpass last year's family smorgasbord of craziness where my parents' house was filled to the top with family.

But still, it's the first step of the holidays, which makes me see twinkling lights in my head wherever I go or hum Christmas carols. I have a Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer CD waiting for me when we get back home. I'm going to play it on repeat as we decorate the house. And no, I won't feel sorry for my husband, one bit.

Today, we drove the 2 hours and 15 minutes to Flo-town. Our first stop was my grandparents' house to hang out for the rest of the day until my mom got off work. Having to work the day before Thanksgiving? A tragedy. (Though I suppose it's way worse to have to work on Thanksgiving or the dreaded day of death Black Friday after Thanksgiving.)

These are my mom's parents, the grandparents I spent most of my childhood living next to. I literally had the steps memorized that took me to their front porch from my front porch, and I could leap the distance in about 10 seconds. They really were my second parents growing up, and I'm so thrilled that G loves them as much as I do.

How cute are they, right?

Pa-Paw (or as I like to call him now - The Great Pa-Paw) has been dying to get G on his lawnmower - blades turned off, of course. He's driven every child and grandchild on the thing. I knew it wouldn't go over well, G having an aversion to loud noises and such. But we went with it.

I don't think G cried. But he certainly wanted off and fast. This is the best pic I took where he didn't have a oh HELL no face.

G is literally standing in what was my back yard as a kid. Our trailer is no longer there, but this still blows my mind.

G doesn't really like to hold hands unless he's unsure about a situation. But he held Pa-Paw's hand from here and back to the house. So stinkin' cute.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving.

Saturday, I turn toward Christmas. I guess that means I should start some shopping. Though you won't catch me in a mall for at least another week or so!

is it Christmas yet?

I'm bursting at the seams to go ahead and start celebrating Christmas this year. Usually, I don't get the itch until Thanksgiving, but I'm eager to put up the decorations and show G what it's all about. He enjoyed it last year, but he was so young - not even 7 months old.

This year, I hope his reaction to all the festivities is more like this:

Than this:

But you just never know with him.

My university's Christmas celebration is the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, so we'll be taking G to see Santa again. It's free (a huge bonus!), and last year we didn't have to wait in line for very long. I have no idea how he'll react. Last year, we never let him see whose lap he was sitting on, so we managed to get a pic like this on the first try:

Oh my. I forgot how bald he was back then!

This year, I'm expecting something more like a meltdown. Or maybe he'll give us his infamous deadpan face.

That might make a pretty funny Christmas card, though.

dragon-baby

I already blogged about how we celebrated G's second Halloween, but we did end up going to a park to take a few more pics of him in his costume. He actually kept the booties AND the hat on the entire time, which was more than he did for the zoo. I was a happy picture-taking mama.

I shared a few on Halloween, but here are some more of my favorites.

Fly, baby dragon, fly!

God, I want to kiss on those cheeks.

His I'm-zoning-out face.

Dragon stomp-stomp-stomp.

G turns 17 months old tomorrow, so a more detailed bloggie blog then. Tonight, though, I'm pooped.

it's that time again

From us to you - Happy Halloween! I get to celebrate by sitting in a classroom for four hours. I hope all of you are having a much grander time today than that!

Miami Trip, part 3 (the wedding)

On day 4 of our trip, Saturday came along, the day of my cousin's wedding. G's crankiness came out in full force. He made it through the rather long Catholic mass ceremony without a glitch, but he was done by the time of the reception. Plus, our preferred way off Miami Beach was closed right after the ceremony due to a fatal motorcycle wreck, so that threw the reception hours off schedule. Needless to say, Dave and G had to head back to the condo before dinner even started. At least we did end up getting some cute pics of G!

Yes, I'm cutting a molar. What's your problem??

Strike a pose!

This one is my favorite. We're totally getting it framed. Such a handsome little boy! My baby is gone. Pardon me while I weep copiously for his babyhood.

Dave,Grayson, and me with my Cuban grandparents.

My parents with my Dad's parents.

I love my Puso! He had a profound influence on my life when I was growing up. He is still sharp as a tack. I loved seeing him play around with G.

After the ceremony, and after we all made it to the reception, it was time to party! This pic below was the first I snapped at the reception as I was fiddling with my settings. But I love it so hard! That's the hubs with my cousin Steve photo-bombing. Dave was hardly drinking since he had to take G back to the condo early, but you'd never know it from this photo. haha.

Me and my cousins (yes, they're twins).

The happily married and oh-so cute couple!

Most of our photos with G have him in this same position. He just wanted to run around all night long.

Gah, I was so bummed when the hubs and G had to leave, but it was already past his bedtime. I actually would have kept him up later, but he was having serious attitude problems. On the plane ride back home, less than two days later, we saw that he had cut his first molar. It's rough being a toddler! Ah well, my cousins and brother with his girlfriend kept me company on the dance floor - and we danced all night long. It's been almost a week since the wedding and my feet still haven't recovered, the mark of an awesome wedding.

We spent more time at the beach and more time with family the next day, so I'll finish out my series with pictures from last Sunday sometime this weekend.