where do I even start?

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind of revelations and sadness. If you're tired of hearing about my miscarriages and related troubles, you probably want to move on. I promise the posts for the rest of the month will turn to happier subjects.

On Tuesday, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was so faint that we really thought we were just seeing things, so we didn't tell anyone and quietly hoped. I did call my OB and got an appointment to come in for bloodwork the next day.

On Wednesday, I got more positive pregnancy tests, this time much more obvious. I had my blood drawn to test my HCG levels, then headed up to my first visit with maternal/fetal medicine. Dr. K was pretty awesome; she actually has the same OB/GYN as me, which was great. We went over everything my test results showed, which was more than I had originally thought.

I knew that I had one genetic marker for Factor V Leiden, a disorder that can cause blood clots. Dr. K was pretty sure this was why G only weighed 6.3 ounces at 38 weeks and why I got pre-eclampsia with him. She was amazed that I didn't get pre-e earlier. :( Another reason I'm so so thankful for my healthy toddler!

However, I discovered that I have two markers for MTHFR. I didn't hear which kind, but she said it was not the "worst type" but the "medium." Since MTHFR blocks the absorption of folic acid, this might have been what caused baby #2's base of the brain problems. We'll never know for sure, but there you go. I also have two markers for PAI 4G/4G, which she said wasn't a big deal except when combined with other factors.

So, awesome, right?

Anyway, we formed a game plan for my next successful pregnancy:

• 4000 mcg extra folic acid
• 40 ml of Lovenox in a daily injection
• 500 mg extra calcium (once I start Lovenox)
• 1 daily baby aspirin during pregnancy (and for the rest of my life)
• Lovenox is started as soon as we get a heartbeat at 6-7 weeks. I would get bloodwork and an ultrasound done every month to check the baby and my red blood cell counts. At 32 weeks, the ultrasounds become bi-weekly.
• Switch to Heparin before delivery so I could have an epidural if wanted or stay awake during a c-section.
• Induction around 38 weeks. I would then switch over to blood thinner in the form of pills for the next 6 weeks.

Whew! A mouthful, right? But it's worth it, if it'll get us another baby... Wednesday was also baby #2's due date. I did break down in Dr K's office because there was a lot of talk about baby #2. Also, the office was the same one where we had our extensive ultrasound to diagnose baby #2's miscarriage. Stepping into that waiting room literally took my breath away (we had no idea), and I'm pretty sure the hubs cursed.

On Thursday, I had another positive pregnancy test, but it was fainter. I called my OB for my test results. The nurse called back to say that my blood HCG test had came back negative. In fact, my HCG was only 3. Of course, I was shocked. I thought maybe my tests were too faint and they weren't getting darker, but I thought maybe the baby was just a late implanter. Not so.

Later that day, I started having horrible backache and spotting.

Today, I'm still spotting. I took one pregnancy test this morning which was negative. I'm guessing I'll get my period eventually... or the miscarriage... or whatever you call it when it's a chemical pregnancy (which, by the way, is a nasty term for a very early miscarriage). Should I call it baby #4? I don't even know. Maybe my body just wasn't ready to be pregnant again two months after my last miscarriage? I don't know that either. All I know is that I'm tired of being on the shit side of life's percentages of chance. I want something to go right for once. I need it to go right.

Anyway, I'm gonna take a break from talking about all of this. We'll start trying again immediately, but of course it'll be about a month before we know if we're successful. All of this waiting definitely doesn't help.

friday brain dump - look out below!

1. I'm PMSing like whoa right now. This doesn't give me much hope for getting pregnant this cycle. It's only our first time trying after the miscarriage, but I was hopeful for that January baby. Plus, the thought of having a baby with a due date the same month as my miscarriage (February) gives me fits. Anyway, I'm sad at the thought that I have to wait another month for another chance at baby #3. And the closer we get to baby #2's August 15th due date, the more depressed and hopefully about the whole thing I become.
2. I'm wrist-deep in planning for G's second birthday. This at least gives me something on which to focus in these couple of weeks of nothing I have. Invitations are going out today. Once they do, I'll post the invite here so you can see it! All I have left to do now is plan the food.
3. I'm currently a few chapters into Insurgent, the sequel to Divergent by Veronica Roth. I really loved the first book, so I'm hoping the sequel measures up. So far, it's good but not fantastic because the pace is kinda slow. I hope it picks up soon.
4. I'm bumming out right now about all sorts of stuff (see #1 above for maybe the reasons why). Maybe it's because my life is so in limbo and shifting right now. I have so much want in my heart right now and nothing seems to be getting fulfilled. I'm so bad about reaching out to people when I need something. Except for my Mom and the hubs, who take the brunt of my whining and neediness. And Michael, who will always pick up the phone to listen to me bitch but who's halfway across the country.
5. Meh. Gosh, I'm boring right now. Cute pictures of my kid tomorrow.

ttc, or charting for that baby thang

This is a blog post where I talk about trying to conceive after a miscarriage. That's makin' babies, folks. If you don't want to read about basic bodily functions, bodily fluids, or various female organs, I suggest you back out now.

Go on, hit that back button. There's a good boy.

Okay. Now. For the rest of you who wanted to stick around, I'm going to rant about my chart. That's my basal temperature chart, the temp you take when you first wake up in the morning, that helps you track your cycle. And specifically, when you ovulate.

Here's mine for this cycle.

I'm going to go on the basis that most of you may not know what the heck this is, so forgive me if you already know all about this charting hoopla. At the top, you can see the circles indicating my recorded basal temps. The day of the month is at the top and the day of my cycle is at the bottom. Below the cycle days is my recorded cervical mucus (CM) and below that are my specific stats, such as whether or not I had a headache that day.

I kept the key for the details, even though it's way TMI, because it shows some factors that are screwing with my results this month. I was sick CD 12 and 13, hence the discarded CD 12 temp that was super high due to my cold and barely sleeping all night long.

We also traveled this past weekend, on CD 17 and 18. Those days of temps were so important and I'm kinda scared that traveling screwed them up. We were in a warmer room with flannel sheets, and my sleep the first day was worse, all factors that can make my temp higher than it would be.

I'm pretty sure I ovulated cycle day (CD) 16, based on all of my other signs. However, you need three days of higher temps before FertilityFriend will say you ovulated. I only had two before getting a lower temp this morning.

Sigh.

However, if I look at most of my other charts, I always had one low dip like that, even the month I got pregnant with baby #2. So I'm not worried, as long as I don't get too many more dips.

I'm not even sure if I'll be able to see ovulation this cycle based on temps alone. I truly think I ovulated CD 16, which is very normal for me, but if I can't get those sustained higher temps, FertilityFriend won't call it for me.

Actually, I played around with possible temps for the future, and the bitch sometimes wants to put my ovulation day as CD 18. Today. Which is totally wrong based on my cervical mucus. My CM geared up for ovulation on CD 15 or 16, and it's indicating now that play time is over.

This trying to conceive stuff can really go to your head if you let it. I find it both drives me crazy and gives me something on which to focus. It helps the days pass quicker and helps me avoid thinking about the fact that we shouldn't be having to try at all.

Anyone else take these kinds of steps to help them reproduce? Anyone chart and/or use OPKs? Did you have much success?

Happy toddler post tomorrow! I've got pictures from my weekend to post.