I'm guest-blogging over at Letters to Mo today! Annie is so funny, and her son Cash who just turned one is seriously cute. I'm blogging about my miscarriage and what I've learned about grief. It's heavy stuff, but if you've been here for a while, you kinda know what to expect from me, right?
Go check it out!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
escapism, part 1
There are moments like these. I'm researching a necklace or tattoo or picture frame - something to remember baby by. And then BAM, I stop, put down my glasses, and start crying.
Or a song comes on the radio. Too many songs are about bleeding hearts after a relationship ends, but for me, they all translate to the loss of baby.
Or pieces of a poem flash on the computer screen. i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Yup, that one hurts most of all.
Or I'm running in the park and I pass a tiny baby sleeping in a stroller.
Gah.
Most moments aren't like that. Nowadays, I don't often let me myself stop and think about what happened. I've found the most excellent coping skill, at least for me, is escapism. Oh yes. Others might throw themselves into work or school or whatever. Nope, not me. I throw myself into the world of geekdom.
I haven't talked about this much on here because I tend to define myself as "mommy" first, but I'm a bit of a closet geek. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a huge closet geek. Anime, video games, scifi, fantasy - oh yeah, I'm into that.
In college, I had anime posters plastered above my desk and bed. My obsession with anime is really an infection; if you get to know me too closely, or hang out with me too much, you'll probably get sucked into the madness. My husband certainly wasn't immune. I think I dragged him off on our third or fourth date to buy up the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, and we were probably watching anime soon after that.
We're currently - or at least, we were until Transformers took over - watching equal parts Dragon Ball Z (oh, shut it!) and Death Note. Oh boy oh boy. Me and DBZ, we go way back. To my high school days, even, when my brother would watch Sailor Moon with me if I agreed to watch Dragon Ball Z afterward. Of course, it only took a few episodes of sweaty men grunting and yelling as they powered up their bulging biceps, and I was hooked.
Death Note is a sleeker, prettier anime when compared to the older and testosterone-driven DBZ. But it's rather heavy in material and contains little of the humor that DBZ does. The main character, Light, gets a hold of a notebook that allows him to kill anyone whose name he writes in it. With mass murdering teenagers, a young sweet-toothed detective, and Shinigami who started the whole mess because they were bored, Death Note has something for everyone! Just watch this one after the kiddies go to bed.
It's easy to lose yourself in anime, which is known for its engaging plot and complex characters. Not to mention the pretty of Japanese animation. Let me know what interests you, I could probably recommend an anime that would suit your tastes.
For those brief moments I'm engaged with something like this, I'm not focused on the thoughts that swirl in my head. And that is a precious gift right now!
On part 2 of my ramble, I'll introduce the other animated series that is keeping me preoccupied. Let's just say for now, Autobots, it's time to roll out.
Oh yeah, I totally went there.
I'm a geek. I did warn you.
Or a song comes on the radio. Too many songs are about bleeding hearts after a relationship ends, but for me, they all translate to the loss of baby.
Or pieces of a poem flash on the computer screen. i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Yup, that one hurts most of all.
Or I'm running in the park and I pass a tiny baby sleeping in a stroller.
Gah.
Most moments aren't like that. Nowadays, I don't often let me myself stop and think about what happened. I've found the most excellent coping skill, at least for me, is escapism. Oh yes. Others might throw themselves into work or school or whatever. Nope, not me. I throw myself into the world of geekdom.
I haven't talked about this much on here because I tend to define myself as "mommy" first, but I'm a bit of a closet geek. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm a huge closet geek. Anime, video games, scifi, fantasy - oh yeah, I'm into that.
In college, I had anime posters plastered above my desk and bed. My obsession with anime is really an infection; if you get to know me too closely, or hang out with me too much, you'll probably get sucked into the madness. My husband certainly wasn't immune. I think I dragged him off on our third or fourth date to buy up the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, and we were probably watching anime soon after that.
 |
| Oh-em-gee, that date was sexy, right? |
 |
| Why, hello, lover! |
 |
| cute but psychotic. sorry, ladies |
For those brief moments I'm engaged with something like this, I'm not focused on the thoughts that swirl in my head. And that is a precious gift right now!
On part 2 of my ramble, I'll introduce the other animated series that is keeping me preoccupied. Let's just say for now, Autobots, it's time to roll out.
Oh yeah, I totally went there.
I'm a geek. I did warn you.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
21 months, or, where's my baby??
Dear G,
You are 21 months old, as of Sunday. How crazy is that?
You're just so much fun to be around these days. You laugh easily and often. You love to read, and now one of your favorite games is to go to your room, pick out a book, bring it to us on the couch, read the book, then head back to your room to get another one. You also love to sit on our laps to read. I'm more than a little smug that I'm your favorite reading partner, but you usually turn to Daddy when you get hurt, so I take what I can get!
You finally started doing a little communicating this month, and no, I don't mean with words. You learned to shake your head "no" and nod your head "yes," and now you use them often, letting us know how you feel about something or answering our questions. I swear, those simple gestures have made somethings, especially mealtimes, so much easier. You also learned the sign for "diaper," so that makes - what? - four signs? More, all done, milk, and diaper.
You also learned some more body parts: back, teeth, and penis. Yes, you learned where your penis is, but you kept pointing at it in the bath and asking, so I told you. This is definitely way more weird for me than it is you, but your mama doesn't want to be a prude so I'll do my best to be open and straight-forward about these things.
Man, I'm gonna embarrass you so much when you're older.
This month, we've dealt with you testing your climbing skills. You're figured out how to climb on the kitchen chairs but not how to get down. I'm so afraid you're going to break something! At least you call for help once you can't get back down. You can also climb up in the large recliner in your room, and make mama have a heart attack with that.
You cut the rest of your incisors this month. That means we are all done with teething until those second year molars start coming in. I hope those wait at least a few months. You had a time with the incisors, and I think we could also use a break. I'm a little freaked out by your mouth full of teeth, but I love your toothy grin whenever you flash it. You've relaxed a little about getting your teeth brushed and you're actually opening your mouth again, but you still jerk that head around all over the place. Seriously, dude, what's with that?
We've got an appointment with Early Intervention this Friday to talk about your lack of speech. You still only say "moo" and it's really starting to break my heart. I'm very hopeful that you'll qualify. I know you want to communicate because you try every other way to do so, but you just don't want to form any syllables. Who knows what the matter is. I hope we can get you the help you need - whatever mama is doing isn't working!
Love you, baby G. I know we still call you a baby, but you ought to quickly learn the old cliche. You'll always be my baby. Thanks for being such a trooper the past couple of weeks as we've dealt with the loss of your little brother or sister. Your kisses, hugs, and ready smiles are exactly what I need right now.
Love,
~Mama
You are 21 months old, as of Sunday. How crazy is that?
You're just so much fun to be around these days. You laugh easily and often. You love to read, and now one of your favorite games is to go to your room, pick out a book, bring it to us on the couch, read the book, then head back to your room to get another one. You also love to sit on our laps to read. I'm more than a little smug that I'm your favorite reading partner, but you usually turn to Daddy when you get hurt, so I take what I can get!
You finally started doing a little communicating this month, and no, I don't mean with words. You learned to shake your head "no" and nod your head "yes," and now you use them often, letting us know how you feel about something or answering our questions. I swear, those simple gestures have made somethings, especially mealtimes, so much easier. You also learned the sign for "diaper," so that makes - what? - four signs? More, all done, milk, and diaper.
You also learned some more body parts: back, teeth, and penis. Yes, you learned where your penis is, but you kept pointing at it in the bath and asking, so I told you. This is definitely way more weird for me than it is you, but your mama doesn't want to be a prude so I'll do my best to be open and straight-forward about these things.
Man, I'm gonna embarrass you so much when you're older.
This month, we've dealt with you testing your climbing skills. You're figured out how to climb on the kitchen chairs but not how to get down. I'm so afraid you're going to break something! At least you call for help once you can't get back down. You can also climb up in the large recliner in your room, and make mama have a heart attack with that.
You cut the rest of your incisors this month. That means we are all done with teething until those second year molars start coming in. I hope those wait at least a few months. You had a time with the incisors, and I think we could also use a break. I'm a little freaked out by your mouth full of teeth, but I love your toothy grin whenever you flash it. You've relaxed a little about getting your teeth brushed and you're actually opening your mouth again, but you still jerk that head around all over the place. Seriously, dude, what's with that?
We've got an appointment with Early Intervention this Friday to talk about your lack of speech. You still only say "moo" and it's really starting to break my heart. I'm very hopeful that you'll qualify. I know you want to communicate because you try every other way to do so, but you just don't want to form any syllables. Who knows what the matter is. I hope we can get you the help you need - whatever mama is doing isn't working!
Love you, baby G. I know we still call you a baby, but you ought to quickly learn the old cliche. You'll always be my baby. Thanks for being such a trooper the past couple of weeks as we've dealt with the loss of your little brother or sister. Your kisses, hugs, and ready smiles are exactly what I need right now.
Love,
~Mama
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