on the eve of your due date

Dear baby #2,

Your due date is tomorrow. August 15th.

Almost forty weeks ago, your mama was beginning the cycle that would conceive you, and your daddy and I were so so happy to finally be trying for a second child. It took two months of trying and I remember how thrilled I was to see those two pink lines. You were my 11/11/11 wish. A little girl I didn't know asked me if I had a baby in my tummy two days before I tested positive with you, and I almost said, "Yes!" You were the baby we told friends and family about on my 30th birthday party and the timing was so perfect to surprise everyone. You were the perfect piece to finish our family.

On Valentine's Day, I threw up all over myself on the way to tutor a second grader. I was almost 14 weeks pregnant with you. That evening, your older brother split open his eyelid on our coffee table and we went the next four hours in the emergency room. I sat in the lobby, rubbing my belly, touching you to reassure myself because I was so scared about G. I didn't know at that moment you were likely already gone from me. The next day, we went in for a routine check-up, expecting to hear your heartbeat for the first time. We heard nothing.

It's only gotten worse since then, second-baby. Your mama is trying, she's trying so hard. But we lost your brother-sister in June, and I feel like this nightmare will never end. I'm tired of charting my basal temperatures and trying to have more babies. I'm tired of wondering how many more I'll have to lose before we either get our take-home baby or give up in despair. I'm tired of peeing on tests to see if they're positive or negative, or trying to figure out if every twinge in my stomach is good or bad.

On your due date, on Wednesday, we have a doctor's appointment with a specialist who will try to help us from losing more babies. I might have to have daily or twice daily shots in my stomach, which is kinda ironic considering my belly is the source of all my hope and all my sadness. I hope I can keep from crying. I hope I can keep from screaming. Because all I really want is to have you back inside me, tucked safely under my ribs. Or better yet, since your due date is tomorrow, to have you alive and well in my arms.

More than anything, I wish you were snuggled against my chest right now, and I would be typing about happier things. Maybe I would be editing pictures from your birth day. Maybe I would be dozing along with you. Maybe I would be still trying to find the breastfeeding angle that you liked best, tucking my nipple down and against your lips so you could feed for the fifth time today. I know that these wants are hopeless and impossible, but I want them nonetheless. I don't want you to feel bad about how much I still grieve for you. I know you're in such a happy place right now, and I know I'll get there eventually, but it's hard to see that perspective right now.

I hope one day that you'll forgive me for not fighting harder to hold you in my arms when you were born. You came into the world in such an awful way. I should have been awake to see you. I should have birthed you at home. My doctor did suggest at the last moment, right before they hooked up my IV, if I wanted her to get me into labor and delivery; I could have been induced and could have seen you. I could have held you. I could have taken you home with me and buried you. But I didn't. Mommy was so scared. I didn't think I could handle being in the same ward as other moms giving birth to healthy babies. I didn't think I could go through a painful miscarriage at home at 14 weeks along, so I did the D&C instead. I'm sorry I never found out if you were a boy or a girl. Or what really happened to you.

I'm sorry I wasn't stronger for you.

Second-baby, can you please give baby #3 a giant hug for me? I know you had to become an older sibling so quickly to another angel baby. But sister-brother really needs you. Mommy hasn't been able to properly grieve for them, not like I have you. I guess I'm still too stuck on missing and wanting you to attach myself to other babies right now. Please tell your sister-brother that Mommy loves them and she wanted them badly, even if maybe she hasn't talked about it much. We had such a short time together, only seven weeks, and mommy wanted so much longer.

You would be so proud of your older brother, second child of mine. He has done so well when mommy was sad and couldn't play, or when I wouldn't let him run around very much for fear he would get hurt. I feel like he understands that when I say, "Be careful please," what I really mean is "I miss your siblings."

I can't promise you to do better than I am. But I can at least promise to keep doing as well as I am. I can promise to eventually get rid of the bitterness I feel toward others and brush aside my feelings of being ignored. Not everyone understands the pain of loss, and the fact that it never goes away. I want to be more forgiving, but it's difficult to do that right now.

I miss you, child of mine. I miss you terribly. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Happy Birthday.

~Mama

Amazon Giftcard Giveaway!

Our Many Colored Moments is doing its first giveaway!

I admit, I got a Kindle for Christmas but I really didn't know what to do with it. I'm a purest when it comes to books, so the idea of buying books only to have to read them on a screen wasn't appealing. I love my book collection. I love holding the paper in my hand! But then I realized that many libraries, including mine in Nashville, let you check out eBooks for free.

Of course, my two year old loves the Kindle. Since we have Amazon Prime, he can watch the first two seasons of Yo Gabba Gabba for free. He knows how to play all sorts of games on it too, including ABC flashcard games since he's obsessed with the alphabet.

I just recently realized the Kindle was a huge help in the kitchen too! I can pop on the Internet, pull up a recipe I pinned in Pinterest, and stand up my Kindle on the counter. Way easier than using my laptop or phone.

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a Rafflecopter giveaway

Giveaway ends midnight on Friday, August 31st!

Our Many Colored Moments has no affiliation with Amazon. I'm not receiving any compensation to do this giveaway. I'm just a happy Amazon customer!

these last days of summer

The past couple of days have had glorious weather in the 80s instead of the high 90s and 100s we've suffered through since late Spring. I'm feeling the need to do all the things I wanted to do this summer that I haven't already. Once of those was taking G to Cumberland Park, which is right next to the Titans stadium, just across the river from downtown Nashville.

Cumberland Park is fantastic because of its water jets and wading pool. It's perfect especially for tiny kids, so I was hoping G would love it. At first, he clung to me like a monkey, but he reluctantly let me put him down after a bit. He had a tight grip on my hand for a while after that, and then eventually he was off on his own. He'd return now and then to touch my leg, as though reassuring himself, and then he was off again.

I know he looks pretty serious in most of these pictures, but I swear he was loving it by the end. He didn't want to go and protested having to leave. We had already been there for over an hour, and our feet were very wrinkly!

I didn't really want to leave either... but it was taco night. Nothing really stands in the way of taco night.

talk, baby, talk

If you're wondering why G's chest looks funny in the above pic, he's wearing what's called a LENA, or voice recorder. On Monday, we recorded everything G said and heard the entire day. Yes, I was on my best behavior!

(P.S. G's reading How I Became A Pirate by Melinda Long, one of his favorite books. It's sorta kinda awesome.)

After being denied by our state's early intervention program, despite the fact that G only scored one point in expressive communication, we were accepted by KidTalk! KidTalk is a research program at Vanderbilt University. Part of what they do is provide speech therapy for free to toddlers who need it - in fact, they pay you for the times they review progress.

We've been going through preliminary testing this week as we get ready for the real therapy to start week after next. Mostly, they've been testing him for autism (they do this for all the kids) and getting a baseline for G's speech abilities right now. The LENA helps determine what he's saying right now so we can weight that with what he learns over the next four months.

KidTalk only lasts four months, but I'm hoping one of the main things is accomplishes is teaching me what to do to help G. We spend time at the Vanderbilt clinic each week as the therapist teaches me techniques to use with G. Then we have a session at home where we practice using those techniques.

I've discovered a few things about G this week as he has gone through testing:
- He thinks Play-doh is awesome.
- When a puppet ducky asks to eat his tummy, he obliges by raising his shirt, without missing a beat, sending everyone into stitches while laughing.
- Baby dolls are his newest favorite toy. I'm on the lookout for a great set to get him.
- My kid can go through over 2 hours of extensive play-based testing with only a short cuddle play break with mommy.
- Other people think he's the best kid ever as much as I do.

I can't wait to see how KidTalk benefits both G and me. I see only good things coming from this fantastic opportunity, and I'm so so so thankful to have figured out a way to help out my kiddo.